


I want him

by Smaragd_Witch



Series: Stories told by songs [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alexander is the Knox's foster son, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, But everyone's a good friend in here, But just when her loved ones need it, Eliza has a dark side, F/M, Lams - Freeform, Laurens is self-destructive, M/M, Slight mention of Henry Laurens, Unrequited Love, mention of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 06:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16057607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smaragd_Witch/pseuds/Smaragd_Witch
Summary: Laurens turned his head to look at the new kid that had come to study to Columbia and that Hercules knew since high school. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said his heart went boomOr: Angelica already has 'Satisfied', and Laurens needed his song too. Well, I gave it to him.





	I want him

**Author's Note:**

> Though Alexander's backstory is the same I wrote in 'H is for Hamilton', there are certain things changed in this universe for the sake of this fic, like how Laurens and Hamilton first met, the fact that Lee is now the same age than Alexander, the fact that John and Alex ended up together and Eliza was the one heartbroken, etc. But that's irrelevant. An AU of an AU.

“You need to go out”

 

            That was all the warning Laurens had before he found himself in a pub with his group of friends, talking and telling jokes only they found funny for the memories attached to them. As the evening went by, Laurens found himself smiling despite his current situation. He had the best friends he could wish for, undoubtedly.

 

            Angelica and her sensitive and protective side that went out when was most needed; Lafayette and his caring nature and infinite patience; Peggy and her charisma and calm personality; Eliza and her never-ending optimism, her perseverance and supportive behaviour that helped him to get out of the dark hole he’d sunken himself into in the last week. He suspected this whole evening was planned by her, though it was Angelica the one that contacted them all to find a good day for everyone to hang out and cheer the mess of their friend up.

 

            And, of course, he couldn’t forget about Hercules. He was one of the first true friends he made when he started college, finally out of his household and far away from his controlling and homophobic father.

 

            His smile flattered. No. He was not going to think of all the words he and his father had exchanged the past week. He was not going to think about what would come out from his life now that he no longer had the means to go on economically. He was not going to think about the promise the Schuyler sisters made him about help him in that field. He was not going to think about how much he was bothering his friends with his personal problems, for his coward behaviour. He should’ve come clean with his father a long time ago, but he postponed the inevitable and now he’d been outed.

 

            Well, at least he could have the memory of Lee being punched by Hercules when they found out who spread the rumours. That was the only good thing that had come out from all this mess.

 

“Hey, there’s my friend” said Hercules, taking him out of his thoughts and getting up to go rapidly to the other side of the room.

 

            Laurens turned his head to look at the new kid that had come to study to Columbia and that Hercules knew since high school. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said his heart went _boom_.

 

 _I was with Eliza* in a pub_  
_when we saw each other for the first time.  
_ _Our eyes met, and glares arouse._

Laurens had heard Hercules talking about the kid since he had the news of him studying Laws in the same university they were all in. He seemed very fond of him, almost as if he were a little brother of some sorts (which Laurens never doubted; despite his appearance, Hercules was more of a teddy bear than a tough guy), but he never mentioned how attractive his friend was.

 

            With more hunger in his intelligent eyes than in his slender physic, with a smile that managed to light up his whole world in a matter of seconds, with a sharp glare that could make the Devil tremble and the Gods above kneel, with a magnetism that made impossible for him to go unnoticed by anyone, with an own, inimitable aura everybody envied but could never possess, and with that funny gleam in his violet-blue eyes (even their colour had to be out of the ordinary) that caught the curiosity of whoever lucky enough to take a glimpse of them. And that taking into account how dull they seemed, probably caused by the lack of sleep the halfmoons under his eyes gave away.

“This is the guy I talked to you about” introduced Hercules.

The new boy stretched out his hand and kept going. “Alexander Hamilton”

 

            The air caught in Laurens’ throat and he thought he would never remember how to breathe again.

 

            His name was like a song that rolled easily on the tongue.

 

            Even his voice was a pleasure to the ears. His accent, which he tried for some reason to conceal, made him more original and attractive than he already was to the eye.

 

 _The three of us smiled,  
_ _and we talked until the night turned into day._

            Laurens thought he would never get tired of hearing the boy speaking, and, even after witnessing how long his responses could be (and passionate as well, depending on the subject), he admitted he’d only need a few breaks between topic and topic, but still would never allow that voice to be silenced.

 

            As soon as Alexander sat down, he was interrogated by the group. Angelica asked him where he was from, having noticed the slight accent, as observant as always; Peggy seemed more interested on knowing what he was studying and why; Lafayette discovered the kid talked French as well and that turned into a conversation with in-jokes in said language that only the two of them understood until Hercules made them stop, faking hurt for leaving the rest out of the fun.

 

            The only ones who didn’t talk were him and Eliza. John turned to the middle sister of the Schuyler family, and he felt a bitter taste in his mouth when he saw her pale cheeks getting a carmine shade and her dark eyes shining like a starry night.

 

            He knew he had no chance, then. Not only for the big possibility of Alexander not being homosexual, but also because, even the slightest theory of him being bisexual were true, John had nothing good to offer in comparison of Eliza, who was almost as perfect as Alexander appeared to be.

 

            Though his brain knew that, his heart beat to another rhythm, impossible to stop or control. Laurens took his glass to his now serious lips and took a small gulp.

 

_Unintentionally, I fell [in love] again..._

* * *

 

 

            Even when he was right, it was for the worse.

 

            Soon they found out Alexander was horrible at keeping secrets. Or at least, the ones that concerned himself. He had no filter and his harsh words sometimes could be taken on the wrong and that was why he usually earned more enemies than friends in his daily life. Still, they thought his good things easily balanced and won against the bad ones.

 

            The case was that only them thought that, and that was why Alexander’s personality didn’t help him when he admitted his sexual orientation in front of the class during a heated argument with Lee in Debate about bullying. The Caribbean hadn’t even begun to explain why he had decided to take himself as an example when Lee interrupted him, and both started to talk at the same time, while the others whispered. Laurens and Peggy, the only ones who went to that class as well, threw each other a worried glare, knowing what was about to come*.

 

            Though Lee was, by no means, a good person, he knew how to keep the composure and the voice levelled, and so he got along with more people than Alexander, whose fierce behaviour made everyone back out. Unfair, if you asked Laurens, but maybe normal taking into account most people want to be accompanied without the effort of gaining the others’ true friendship. That was why sometimes he preferred to be at home than hanging out with people he didn’t know if he could trust or not.

 

            In a blink of an eye, the insults Alexander usually received changed from superficial things to more personal after the debate. Ironically, the ones who talked against bullying in the last class were the more merciless ones out of the room, and the ones who found the perfect words to hit where it hurt the most.

 

“Hypocrites, the whole of them” cursed Peggy one day, during lunchbreak, paying her frustration against the poor banana she got, stabbing it with the fork several times before eating it.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” asked Eliza, calmer in the surface but with the same fire of anger dancing in her eyes. “I mean… Yes, they’re hypocrites for standing against something they do in real life, but we’re not any better by standing to the side, watching it all” she elaborated, her words shaking in case she could explain herself wrong.

“He won’t let us” said Hercules, as powerless as used to this. Laurens felt sad at the thought. “Alexander is… He’s tolerant to pain, as he’d put it”

“He’s an idiot” deadpanned Angelica, the coldest in these situations. Laurens could hear the engines inside her brain working at full speed, desperate to find a solution to help their friend. “He’s truly stupid if he thinks I won’t do anything to help him just because he’s a masochistic”

“Yeah, the only one who can insult him at his backs is you, right?” laughed Peggy, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Excuse me, sis, but if I’ve gotta call him ‘stupid’ in the face, I will” swore Angelica.

 

            And just at that time, Alexander appeared, a couple of books, folders and unorganised papers in his hands, as usual.

 

“Stupid” she insulted, looking the immigrant in the eye, before he even could greet them.

 

            The whole table erupted into laughter.

 

            Alexander looked dumbfounded, not understanding a thing.

 

            Laurens’ heart whispered how cute he was when confused; his brain reminded him how he truly didn’t have a chance. His eyes supporting the reminder when he saw Eliza also blushing as she explained the joke to Alexander.

 

* * *

 

 

            When Monroe somehow found out about part of Alexander’s past, Eliza took action.

 

            And, oh, boy.

 

            Laurens never thought the day would come in which he’d say ‘I’m terrified of Elizabeth Schuyler’. In fact, he thought Angelica would win the prize of the scariest Schuyler sister.

 

“Me too” admitted Peggy, as they commented what had just happened, in their way to the principal’s office.

 

            It turned out not only Lee knew how to win people over by showing himself calm and mature enough for people to want to spend time with him. Eliza knew the game and played it marvellously. Somehow, she also knew pieces of information of things Monroe and Lee had done wrong thanks to ‘confidants’, as Eliza called them. And if that wasn’t enough to scare them, the notes with insults directed at Alexander they’d written in the past months (that, at some point, Eliza had collected without any of them knowing) and the photos of the paintings on the bathroom stalls Lafayette had taken by her petition before they cleaned it for their friend’s sake, truly changed Monroe and Lee’s expressions.

 

            They had promised her to stop the rumours and they swore on their lives to never bother Alexander again. Eliza had nodded, in satisfaction, smiling to herself as she right after made her way to the principal’s office to deliver the evidence and tell him everything she and her friends had witnessed for the last couple of months. Not without making sure Angelica had spread some rumours of what was about to happen that afternoon.

 

            The pale faces of Lee and Monroe when they were called through the speaker were priceless, and Peggy had to bite her bottom lip when she saw them stumbling upon their own feet, two shaking messes. Laurens had smiled as well, enjoying the karma taking action against those two.

 

            Both friends were serious once Angelica and Lafayette explained the whole plan to them. They truly didn’t think Eliza’s dark side could be _that_ dark. And Peggy was her own sister. Even Angelica seemed afraid at how cold she’d acted and planned everything, but also proud at how patient her sister had been in order to catch them as soon as they made a small mistake or take things to another level. And they all agreed that taking Alexander’s past about how he’d gotten to live with the Knox* was truly a very low blow.

 

Peggy pouted, as they were about to arrive. “I just lost 10 bucks…”

Laurens shook his head, affectionately. “You and Laf have a problem with bets”

“It’s not a true problem until you do it out of your territory” explained the youngest.

 

            They turned a corner and Laurens’ soft smile disappeared at the sight they found.

 

 _I saw him today; he was with Eliza*,_  
_they looked so close...  
_ _That I wanted to scream 'No, no!'_

            How are you supposed to react when you see a person like Alexander, fierce, harsh, stoic, sometimes colder than a piece of ice, crying inconsolably and broken? Neither Peggy or Laurens knew, and so they stayed there, around the corner, seeing Alexander venting all his frustrations and all the things he’d bottled up lately as Eliza hugged and comforted him, with great mastery.

 

            Laurens didn’t know how to react when he finally received the slap of the universe, the mockery with which it told him he didn’t have a chance, and never did. His brain accompanied the punishment by making him see how selfish he was, feeling pity of himself for an unrequited love instead of trying to be there for his closest friend, who was now unrecognisable.

 

Peggy nudged him, taking him out of his spiral of self-destruction. “C’mon, let’s give him some space and time. Eliza’s got him” she whispered, with an understanding tone Laurens wished to be having right now.

 

            He nodded numbly, throwing a last glance to the couple and then left with Peggy, who also casted a look in his direction.

 

“Hm, now I owe Laf twenty bucks” she muttered.

 

* * *

 

 

            Things went better after the incident. Ignoring the hateful glares of Monroe and Lee was easier now that they didn’t have the ass-kissers always accompanying them, and so, the college turned into a calmer place.

 

            The people who helped those two make Alexander’s life and college experience a living hell now were approaching him, with apologies. Laurens knew that in between all that falseness, some of them had to be sincere, but still felt very good every time Alexander gave them pure indifference and didn’t give in their attempt to create a bond.

 

His friendship with them, though, grew stronger. And it hurt to see how hard it was for him to believe they would do such a thing just to help him and see him happy. Laurens didn’t want to know what the kid had just gone through before ending up with the Knox.

 

“People at high school aren’t any nicer” Hercules would say whenever he’d asked the first weeks of knowing Alexander, who was only secretive about his past, even in the most heated arguments he’d seen himself in.

 

            But the bond that grew stronger was the one Eliza and Alexander shared. Until one day they simply decided to accept the obvious and tell them they were dating.

 

            The whole group congratulated them, Laurens included. He still loved them both extremely. He still loved them both differently.

 

 _It hurts so much to see them kiss.  
_ _She's my best friend and he, the boy of my love._

* * *

 

 

“You should come clean” Lafayette once advised him.

“No” he refused, rapidly.

“Johnny…”

“Laf, I can’t”

“You must”

 

            A pregnant silence in the room. Laurens looked at his reflection in the mirror, finishing to button-up his shirt while Lafayette waited for him on his bed, equally prepared for their last night before the graduation tomorrow. Laurens tried not to think of that, of how he was bittering the happy experience to everybody because he couldn’t get his feelings under control.

 

“I can’t do the same to Alex and Eliza” he muttered, lowering his glare though his task was already finished.

“Do what?” asked Lafayette, curious.

“I can’t ruin what they’ve got, they’re happy together. I can’t ruin that for my selfishness” he explained, turning around to get his phone and put it on the back pocket of his jeans.

“You’re not being selfish, you’re being honest”

“I don’t know the difference anymore”

“The difference is that if you tell them both what’s bothering you, they’ll know and help you; if you don’t tell them, they won’t, and this will explode at some point and _that_ will ruin everything”

 

            Laurens weighed the explanation. On one hand, it was true that he’d always been very sentimental, and knew the aftermath of this thing he was keeping to himself (and Lafayette and Angelica, the damn observant assholes) wasn’t going to be pretty if he couldn’t forget about Alexander in this romantic sense. On the other hand, though…

 

“I’m fine”

 

            On the other hand, he was a stubborn masochistic piece of shit.

 

            Lafayette sighed, seeing the battle was already lost. He simply got up and gave his friend a hug.

 

“Take care, _mon ami_ ” he whispered, still supportive.

 

* * *

 

 

 _And it makes me suffer so much..._  
_Damn this love within me!_  
_I can't even dream with his mouth!  
_ _I'd fight if he were with any other [person]!_

            The ring was beautiful, but it didn’t shine as much as Eliza’s eyes as she told how Alexander had proposed last night during one of their dates. Laurens tried to ignore the knots in his stomach as he simply listened in silence, as the others commented on the event.

 

“Aren’t you going too fast?” asked Angelica, worried over the future of her sister.

“It’s Alexander we’re talking about” countered Peggy, rolling her eyes and refusing to let go of Eliza’s hand. “He does everything in a hurry”

“In my defence, I’d say I thought this through for a long time” said Alexander, with a small smile on his lips and trying to hide the blush on his face (and failing miserably) while Eliza wore it with pride, too happy to care about what the world had to say.

 

            There they were, the living proofs of ‘opposite attract’. And Laurens sometimes felt bad for them to have proven the old saying true.

 

“Hey, Alex, don’t you have a ring for your favourite sister?” asked Peggy, still examining the ring.

Alexander half-closed his eyes. “Yes, and you’re seeing it on her hand right now” he answered, as smart as always.

“Duh, Eliza can’t be your favourite sister because she’s your girlfriend”

“Fiancée” corrected the girl, taking her hand away to take Alexander’s.

“Oh, gosh, now she’s gonna be more annoying than when she fell over the heels for you” complained Angelica.

“You’re just mad because Church hasn’t declared yet” teased Peggy.

“John and I are giving ourselves time. We’re free spirits” Angelica defended her relationship, raising her glass with pride.

 

            They laughed at it, even Laurens gave the hint of a smile and chuckled under his breath. He was trying. Nobody could accuse him of the contrary. Ever.

 

“Hey, Jackie” Alexander called, walking to him. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Of course” he replied, without a second thought.

 

            Alexander indicated him with the head to follow him, and Laurens did. And he tried not to think about how he’d follow him to the end of the world if necessary.

 

            Once they were in the hallway, the voices of their friends in the distance, Alexander stopped to look him sheepishly in the eye.

 

“Listen, I just need a favour”

 

            Laurens was already nodding before the words came out from his mouth. He knew Alexander as he knew his own mind; and the doubt and shyness in the Caribbean’s eyes almost offended him. How could Alexander still think he’d ever deny him a favour?

 

“Look, you’re the closest friend I’ve got…” began Alexander, scratching the back of his head with nervousness.

 

            That was why he knew Alexander would rant and ramble before he could get to the point. But Laurens always let him. His rants sometimes possessed bits of information about his personality, pieces of the great endless puzzle Alexander Hamilton was, and Laurens wanted to have them all. If he couldn’t have him, at least he could cling to the idea of him being the person who knew the immigrant the best.

 

“You’ve always been there for me and have been a pillar when tough times came” kept rambling his friend, his praises making a blush to appear on his freckled face. “That’s why I wanted to ask if you’d want to be my best man?” Alexander blurted out, as if asking something impossible.

 

            And without knowing it, Alexander was doing just that. Being the best man in a wedding where the love of your life is going to marry your best friend. Laurens truly was going to win the prize of the saddest buffoon of the court of the Lord.

 

            A part of him wanted to refuse, wanted to make up an excuse, even if by that he’d hurt Alexander. But he couldn’t. Not only because the look Alexander was giving him (he rarely begged, but for that look, Laurens knew he would not hesitate in doing so if by that he could make Laurens say ‘yes’), but because he loved him more than anything in this life. Laurens would choose his happiness over his every time.

 

Maybe he should really start going to that therapist Peggy talked to him about when the huge fight with his father happened…

 

“I’d love to, Alex” he finally answered, with a sincere smile.

 

It didn’t match the one of genuine happiness that crossed Alexander’s face. Just for that image, for that reaction, Laurens would do this a million times. His friend gave him a tight hug he reciprocated immediately.

 

“Thank you so much, Jackie!”

“Not needed, Alex” he assured.

 

            Because, really, they weren’t. He patted Alexander on the back, sharing his happiness and feeling his relief. Laurens smiled despite his situation. He knew Alex still had trouble trusting people and asking for favours to the ones he’d already created a bond with, but still the thought of him fearing Laurens would refuse him _anything at all_ was risible.

 

“Really, Betsey is going to be so happy when I tell her” commented Alexander, at the same time he ended the hug.

Laurens didn’t know what made him feel colder. “Let’s tell her together” he proposed.

Alexander nodded and talked as they made their way back the group. “You’re such a good friend, Jackie” he kept lauding. “You’ve been so supportive with us. Betsey and I are very grateful”

 

            Laurens scoffed, thinking back about all those people who wondered how he (and the rest) could stand Alexander, with that broken filter. They never seemed to get that the broken filter also worked on their favour: when Alexander told you a good thing about yourself, you always knew it was true and not only for the sake of boasting you.

 

            That was why he was doing this, why he’d done all of this. Eliza was the kindest soul he’d ever crossed paths with and Alexander was a spirit of constant self-improvement and a stubborn man that had never given up on him and his capacities, despite Laurens’ endless tries to throw the towel.

 

            Maybe they weren’t so different in the end.

 

“You deserve no less, Alex” he guaranteed, smiling honestly.

 

            His heart hurt less when the betrothed kissed, but the stinging feeling remained. Lafayette and Angelica threw him a questioning glare when Alexander gave the news and Eliza hugged him as well. He made a vague gesture with his hand.

 

            He loved Alexander, but he cherished his friendship and Eliza’s much more, and it was worth all the sacrifices he could make.

 

 _I want him._  
_I want him so hard I don't have any strengths left_  
_to forget him and accept that he loves her._  
  
_I want you so much, my love._

**Author's Note:**

> *"I was with Eliza in a pub": The real lyrics say "I was with María in a pub". And isn't this a bit of a funny coincidence? XD
> 
> *Laurens and Peggy threw each other a worried glare, knowing what was about to come: I based this on all those times I've seen people debating about bullying or other things that are equally wrong, saying what's politically correct to look good, but then in real life they didn't do anything when a classmate was being bothered and even said it was their fault for being the way they were.
> 
> *In this universe, Alexander's foster parents are the Knox.
> 
> *I saw him today; he was with Eliza, they look so close: Real lyrics "I saw him today, he was walking along with María, they look so happy, so close"
> 
>  
> 
> Song translated/adapted: Le Deseo, composed by Merche Trujillo / David Villa and sung only by Merche
> 
> Leave a comment/kudo if you liked it (and if you want, of course) and thanks for reading, it means a lot! :D


End file.
